Our daughter doesn’t have grandparents anymore. She’s five years old. I’m utterly saddened for her, because the ache is visible, especially as other grandparents pick up at ballet practice and school, and she asks me, mama, why did your mom die? Where is my grandpa?
We try to discuss openly and honestly with her, and we leave space to grieve our loved ones. We didn’t have anyone to lose, and yet we lost Charles’s mom this fall, a woman who has been a beacon in our little family since Viola was born.
A small unit, made even smaller now.
When you add that to the decisions we’ve made - we are a one-and-done family, very much because of not having a support network of family to rely on - and we live in a big city which neither of us were born in. It’s lonely, sometimes. We love the benefits, and we love being our little unit. But sometimes, like at Christmas, seeing floods of relatives descend on other households, it hurts. It feels like we’re the only ones. We can’t drop our girl off at a grandparents house to get a break or go on a couple’s trip. We don’t have lots of little cousins playing with our daughter. We don’t have a parent we can run to in a crisis. We have ourselves to rely on, and we’re used to it. And just once in a while, it’s a little sigh from the heart as we light one more candle for our lost loved ones.
What we do have, though? We have a beautiful, unique, incredible international family. Viola has lived in three countries, and already she can articulate what she loves about America, about Norway, about the UK. Here’s a girl who easily hops on international flights, who loves snow as much as she loves shrimp’n grits and the beach, who adores her school and pronounces ‘Star’ the British way - religiously.
We have aunties and cousins, close friends and an extra grandparent - my stepdad - in Norway. We have a godfather in Amsterdam and one in Atlanta. We have chosen grandparents in Alabama who live in a real, actual, self-built fairytale castle.
It’s true, and you can go stay there! They have an Airbnb.
We have close friends, a godfather and godmother in the UK. We have ballet practice, martial arts, an awesome school and the media industry and everything London has to offer. Viola feels the love from many corners of the world. The convergence of choices plus what life throws at you, sometimes feels difficult to handle. But I hope we’re creating a girl who capable, resilient and full of joy.